Whine

My great aunt has breast cancer. Oh, cancer loves to eat away at my family, but this is the first time I know of a relative with breast cancer. We don't know how bad it is - she goes in for another test this week that will determine that. Cancer sucks. This news just made me want my grandma back. She died of lung cancer eight years ago. My great aunt sounds like my grandma. I remember answering the phone at my mom's, shortly after my grandma died, and it took me a few seconds to identify the caller. It was pretty surreal for a moment. It just always feels like I'm losing more of her all the time. I have two shirts that she hung up before she died. I've never worn them again and - just barely now - they still smell like her laundry. My grandma was a laundry expert (I thought). It's something I can't seem to replicate.

It makes most everything else feel pretty insignificant - the move, the question of whether or not to have another baby, a new car, setting up a craft day with friends, repairs on the house, to sell or store our fridge, washer, and dryer, etc. We have to move and we have two healthy kids. We don't require a new car if we don't have more kids. Our buyers want $300 for repairs - I said no last night. Now, who the hell cares about $300. Who cares about appliances. It's just money. You can be buried with it, and it won't do you an ounce of good in the end.

A childhood friend lost her father last week. He was a character - so funny and happy. He loved his Irish heritage and was a teacher for many, many years. The world lost a great man, and my friend and her siblings lost a most wonderful father. I don't like being this old and seeing friends lose parents.

Then it makes me feel guilty for not having a relationship with my own dad. But then I remember this, that, and the other, and it's just not worth it. MY father, the man I loved, he's been gone for a long time, and I sometimes wonder if he ever existed. Little girls make up a world of excuses for their fathers. Little girls have vivid imaginations. I'm not a little girl anymore. I don't like who he was or who he is. I'm not out anything most days. Once upon a time, I would have called him every name in the book. Finally, though, I think I've settled on one: He's a coward.

Then, a fellow blogger, Carrie at Farming on Faith wrote about A Virtuous Woman (found in Pslam 31). I'm not that into the Bible, but I'm finding myself thinking a lot about this:

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

As if I didn't feel like I have enough to do :)

In happy, wonderful, easy, and distracting news, I have finished all the Sookie Stackhouse books and have the new one (out May 4) on pre-order and ordered a book of short stories that also feature Sookie. It's always good to have things to look forward to.

For now, though, I will consider lopping my breasts off and my idleness.