I have pictures of Bean in his new glasses.
But I just don't like them.
There's nothing wrong with him or his glasses. It's just me. It's me looking at my perfect, healthy, wonderful son in glasses. The glasses, to me, are loaded with all sorts of negative stuff.
I spilled this all to a group of friends tonight, and I feel bad about it. Right now, though, the tape playing in my head hasn't changed.
His "lazy eye" is genetic. It's the same reason he has blond hair and long toes. I know this. Still, I think I should have made him eat more vegetables, that I should have paid more attention to him, that I should have breastfed him longer, that I should not have been so stressed out during and after his pregnancy. I feel like I did something wrong to cause this ... and the evidence is smack in the middle of his face.
When I'm not thinking about that and am being more rational, I'm thinking about how he inherited this from someone he's never even met. For years, I've pushed that person out of my life and now there he is, his lazy eye smack in the middle of my kids face. This isn't MY kid's lazy eye, this is my dad's lazy eye. You know, all the wonderful issues you left me with weren't nearly enough ... you gotta give my a kid a case of wonky eye. Thanks. For nothing. As usual.
Like I said, this glasses thing is pretty loaded for me.
I know, I know. In the grand scheme of things, this (stabismus, as it's formally called) is no big deal. Heck, he didn't even have to get patched! It's mild - because I was such a good mom that I demanded prompt attention. I should celebrate my awesome mom powers! He'll wear glasses for a few years and still be able to fly planes (if he wants to). You're thinking, "Get over it, lady, you're not even the one having to wear the freaking glasses. There are real problems in the world."
I will get over it, but I'm not there yet.
I will be.
On Sunday.
I'll give myself one more day to be bummed about the glasses, but I'm over it starting Sunday. (It goes without saying that all the other issues still remain.)
10.16.2009
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As one who has worn eye glasses since the 3rd grade, it is important for the parent not to show undue concern and stress. Be sure that 1.0 knows this.
ReplyDeleteIn the sceme of things, this is nothing compared to other health issues that could of been. He needs to know that this is not an issue. He will have enoiugh troubles with other kids, he does not need it at home.
In the mean time he will be ablke t read, see the board, hit a baseball, and do other kid stuff. He may have some restrictions - no contact sports - but he will be able to pretty much do what everyone else does.
Tell him he is special, is loved, and that Granddad G. wears glasses too, and loves him.
I am VERY familiar with Mommy guilt--I may even have a Master's Degree in it and really, what can you do? It comes with the territory.
ReplyDeleteREally, I suspect that this has less to do with the glasses and more to do with your feelings about the other person who has strabisbus. How do you separate the two? I'm not sure.
When I first brought Charlie home with his ginoumous list of probelms, someone told me that one day it would be normal. And it is. Only around others do I notice how different we really are. One day I hope that your son's glasses will just be normal and not a source of pain.